Hurts So Good

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like do go threw a day without any pain. And I don’t mean getting rid of pain by drowning it or masking it with drugs I mean if it just wasn’t there to begin with.

With my disease pain has always been a major part of my life. In fact I can’t recall a day when I wasn’t in pain whether moderate or severe. I’ve learned to function threw the pain, and for the most part I can get threw the average day without anyone knowing anything is bothering me.

On days like this particular day when every move feels like my bones are being crushed, I fantasize about what I would do if the pain didn’t exist. Sometimes I think I would feel weird, kind of like what I would imagine an outer body experience would feel like. After so many years of functioning with the pain I think I would feel like my body wasn’t mine anymore. Other times I think of how much I would love it and all the things I could do without getting the aftershock of pain that always follows.

In the end it always comes back to the same thing…pain is part of life. Some people have emotional pain and others have physical pain. It’s how we deal with the pain in our lives that define our character. Too many people mask their pain and try to bury it but that only ends up adding to the pain. It’s only by confronting our pain and dealing with it can we move past it.

Do I look helpless?

So I'm about to get on the subway when the cashier rushes out of his little booth and asks me which way I'm headed. Thinking that the elevator may be down I quickly ask if it's working and tell him I'm heading eastbound. He says that it's working and then asks if I need any assistance. I thank him and say I'm ok. He then asks me if I'm sure. Uhhh yeah I'm sure, I'm disabled not stupid, I think I know when I'm capable of handling something on my own. What made me even more frustrated was that even after telling him that I'm positive that I can handle boarding the train on my own...he continued to ask if I was sure. Finally I just started to move away from him towards the elevator. I understand he was just trying to be nice and make sure I would be safe getting where I needed to go, but questioning my answer when I tell people I'm capable of handling something on my own make me fell like they think I'm stupid just because I'm disabled. I'm just gonna put it out there for the record...BEING DISABLED DOES NOT MAKE YOU STUPID!