Dress Hunt

I went shopping with my mother this weekend and I decided to try and look for a dress to wear to a friend’s wedding in July. Clothing shopping is always very stressful for me because I have a terrible time trying to find clothes that fit me properly and are age appropriate. I’m 2’11” with curves which isn't easy finding things that work. Even when I do find something I pretty much always have to adjust something. This constant dilemma inspired me to take sewing classes when I was in high school and has been a helpful trade to have when everything you find that you like is too big or too long.

Those were the issues I was facing while dress shopping. Everything I liked was either way too big, too long, or the bodice of the dress didn’t work at all with my body type. I ended up leaving the store very frustrated and disappointed. So the hunt is on for a dress that works and needs very little alterations. Wish me luck!

Dating

Lets face it…dating is hard. It hard enough for the average person to overcome their fears that they’re not; pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, or interesting enough, and put themselves out there. Let’s add a major disability like mine to the equation. Not only do I have those fears too but I also have to deal with the extra oddities that come with my condition that only add to my already fragile ego. Oddities such as my severely crocked spine that not only makes me feel un-pretty but is also very painful and limits what I’m able to do, and the false joint in my right arm between my shoulder and my elbow that developed from a break which never healed allowing me to completely rotate my arm 180 degrees…just to name a few. With these extra insecurities putting myself out there into the dating world was next to impossible. When I would step out on that limb and open myself up to someone…rejection always followed.

At least that was the case until I opened my heart to a very special guy that changed my perspective on everything. Not only did he not mind my imperfections, he embraced them and saw the beauty behind them. I opened my mind to possibilities that I’d written off years ago…such as marriage and kids. Suddenly these things seemed tauntingly within my grasp…dangling only slightly out of reach.

Now I’m scared that I’ve given myself false hope. I’m desperately afraid that the rug is going to be pulled out from under me and he’ll wake up one day and see what an unappealing girlfriend he has. Why would someone choose me when there are obviously better fish in the sea…ones that come with way less baggage? These fears creep up on me like a bad cold you just can’t shake. Constantly nagging at me to just give up and put myself out of my misery. After all isn’t it easier to just give up? Sure, it probably would be but would I be happy….NO. Nothing worth having comes without a price…and right now the price is risking getting my heart broken worse than it’s ever been before.

Road to Recovery

Well surgery is done and went much smoother than I expected. The procedure ended up being less invasive then they originally planned and that made recovery much shorter than I anticipated. I've been out of the hospital for a month now and everything has more or less gone back to normal.

I'm still getting pain from the procedure but that is to be expected until I'm fully healed in another couple months. For now it's just a matter of taking things one day at a time and not pushing myself past my tolerance level...which I've never been good at. I've always plowed threw the pain with an "I can do it" attitude and while it always works for the time being...the aftershock is always crippling.

I'm working threw one of those aftershocks tonight. I spent the last three days going non-stop and now I feel like my body weighs a 1000 lbs and just moving is a huge effort. It's definitely time for some R&R. I really need to learn to balance things a little better next time so I don't get this bad.